Your emotional journey into formula feeding (how to navigate guilt when breastfeeding doesn’t work out)
No parent should ever feel guilty about their feeding choices. As long as a baby is fed, loved and cared for – they’ll have the tools they need to grow and thrive.
But it doesn’t matter how many times we hear ‘fed is best’ – there is still an awful lot of guilt and difficult emotions around formula feeding.
Reasons for using formula
Maybe you’re using (or thinking about using) formula because you need to. Or because you chose to – because you knew it was the better option for you as a family.
Or perhaps you fall into the very common messy group in the middle. Moms who breastfeed for a while, but find it hard, and ultimately end up combi-feeding or formula feeding full time.
It doesn’t actually matter why you use formula – the emotions around it can still be difficult. Especially if you’re someone who always assumed that they would breastfeed. And if you’re surrounded by friends who breastfeed. It’s hard to find anyone to talk to about your feelings around breastfeeding. There’s no-one to help you navigate the guilt.
Formula feeding and isolation
There are lots of resources online designed to help breastfeeding moms on their journey. Though it’s definitely true that in-person breastfeeding support can be lacking (and this is often cited by women as a reason for giving up), there’s not much online other than instructions on how to make a bottle.
This can make you feel pretty isolated. And if you do spend some time online looking for resources about formula feeding, you’ll often come across content that emphasizes how breast is best – which makes you feel even worse.
You might feel worried that your baby will be at increased risk of viral infections. And of course – the big one – SIDS. It’s hard to avoid the message that formula feeding is riskier and less healthy than breastfeeding.
You’ll also probably see messages about the experience of breastfeeding, and the bonding experience it provides. It can feel as if you’ll never have the same bond with your baby as a breastfeeding mom. Even if you know that you and your little one have a deep, unbreakable bond – it’s hard to shake the feeling that there’s something you’re missing out on.
How to get past the feeling that ‘this isn’t what I planned’
When you’re pregnant for the first time, you have all kinds of ideas about how motherhood will be. But for most of us, the reality ends up being pretty different.
Moms who imagined that they’d want to go back to work after 2 months, end up deciding to give up their career to stay at home. Moms who thought they’d go with the flow, end up implementing a strict, hour by hour routine. Moms who thought they’d never use a sling, end up with a collection of 5 and a buggy they barely use.
You could give hundreds more examples. But the point is – we’re all a perfect (on our own terms) parent before we have a baby. And we all end up doing things differently to how we expected, at least some of the time.
Look at breastfeeding through this lens. It’s one of the things that you’d have liked to have done, but, real life doesn’t always work out how we’d have liked. And that’s OK.
Navigating guilt if you’ve breastfed other children
Dealing with not being able to breastfeed your first child can be hard because you feel like you’ve missed out on an experience you expected to have.
If you breastfed previous babies, it’s hard in a different way. You might feel bad that you couldn’t give one baby the same experience as the others. Or you might feel that you neglected your first child while you spent hours trying to breastfeed the second – only for it to not work out, bringing you yet another layer of guilt.
Creating your own story and being your own support system
Think of the feelings that you have around breastfeeding as part of a story that you’re telling yourself.
You can’t totally control that story. But you can choose to rewrite it how you want. So rather than worrying that your baby won’t grow up as smart, think about how you’ve nourished them with healthy formula, played with them, and read to them. You’re nurturing their brain every day.
And instead of wondering if your bond would be different if you breastfed, you can enjoy each formula feed as it comes. Appreciate their smile and their contented, milk drunk face.
These things aren’t necessarily easy to do, and you might have to make a conscious effort to make them happen. It will help to seek out stories from other women who couldn’t breastfeed.
Choosing the right formula
You might feel as if you had no control over breastfeeding, and that the choice to formula feed has been forced on you.
But you can definitely control which formula you choose to feed your baby. Any formula will provide them with the nutrition they need to grow. For extra peace of mind, you might want to look at organic formulas, which are usually cleaner and closer to breastmilk.
To get a personalized recommendation for your baby, take this 2 minute quiz.